The Best Ari Gold Quotes

"I want you to pass this message along to Dana. Tell her that I still have the pictures from Cancun. Tell her that I’m going to start a web site. I'll take a full page ad out in the L.A. Times advertising it. Tell her it will be called imahollywoodexecutivewhore.com and that no password or fee will be required. Tell her I want a fucking call back!"

"You wanna hug it out? Let’s hug it out bitch."

"We’re going to hell, so bring your sunblock."

"Nobody’s happy in this town except for the losers. Look at me, I’m miserable, that’s why I’m rich."

Ari: "I've got a lunch meeting with Dana Gordon."
Eric: "Well, should I be there?"
Ari: "No, unless you wanna pull up our car or serve us some sort of crème brulee or something."

"Lloyd, bust out your pink rolodex. Call every queer assistant you know and tell them to open their mouths like J.T.'s gonna drop a load in it. I want you hype this bitch!"

Eric: "Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? Come on, the guy’s not even Hispanic".
Ari: "Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That’s what actors do. They pretend."

"Silence is fucking golden."

Ari: "Where are you, sounds like you’re being fucked with a jackhammer."
Eric: "I’m test driving a new car."
Ari: "Matchbox or Hot Weels?"

"Why are you sitting like that? What, are you wearing a butt plug?"

"Fuck the phones, Lloyd! Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency tittie fuck, don't answer!"

"That’s the thing — the script has been changed more times than Andy Dick’s vibrator."

Vince: "[Yair's] not a killer, is he Ari?"
Ari: "I don’t know what he is, Vince. He could be Mossad, he could be Hezbollah, neither would suprise me."

"Yeah, it's about as positive as Mother Teresa's AIDS test."

Ari: "Keep your eyes on Andrew Klein."
Lloyd: "Keep my eyes on him how?"
Ari: "Pretend he’s Zac Efron’s Ballsack."

(To his wife, after his Viagra has kicked in)
Ari: "I’m ready to go here, all right? It’s like R. Kelly at recess."

Lloyd: "Are you hiding something from me Ari?"
Ari: "Only my cock and my asshole Lloyd."

"Let it go, like a bad piece of pussy. Just forget that you smelled it and move on. If he passes on this thing now he might as well be Cat Stevens doing butterfly strokes in the caspian sea, searching for Mohammed."

Emily: "Ari, I really don’t want to get in the middle of this."
Ari: "You are in the middle of this, whether you like it or not, ok? You want to be a hero? You want a medal, or are you a coward? Knock off the hippie shit, strap on a helmet, and start shooting. This is Malibu, Emily, I want you to storm that beach like it’s fuckin’ Normandy!"

(To Eric)
Ari: "Are you a communist? Or a socialist? Or didn’t they tell you the difference at Pepperoni U?"

"You fire a guy you create a rival. You fire a woman you create a housewife."

"Ernesto! How many fucking pesos did I give you for Christmas? Huh, Ernesto? Every Christmas, for the past decade! Half of Mexico is eating on my chip that I’ve given you. Now bring my motherfucking car now! Por favor!"

"You boys look angry. If there was plastic on the floor, I’d think I was about to get whacked."

Eric: "I got us a lunch. 2:50 today."
Ari: "2:50? 2:50, come on, everyone knows 2:50 is a jerk-off meeting. What’s he gonna do, clear his throat ’til the 3 o’clock comes?"

"Sundance is a great festival for little people. You should kill over there! But for the rest of us normal people, it’s just a chance to fuck a mormon."

Mrs. Ari: "What’s in the bag?"
Ari: "A kilo of blow. What’s with all the fucking questions?"

"Sacrifice, Lloyd! Like the Kamikaze pilots used to do."

Terrence: "Ari, you look a little haggard. Everything all right?"
Ari: "It’s called aging, Terrence. Not everyone can stay young by sucking the blood of their employees."

"What the fuck do you want, cunt muscle?"

"Good news Lloyd, Vince will have a new movie poster for you to wack off to soon."

"Rusty cunt bucket! Fuck!"

Eric: "Come on Ari. I’m calling as a friend, all right? I need your help. It’s a really good script. Can you help me?
Ari: "Yes, I can, E. Lloyd! Get the number for UCLA Extension so Eric can take a course on finally learning how the movie business works."

Lloyd: "I’m gonna make it through this, Ari Gold."
Ari: "It will be worse than when you had your anal cherry popped, but hey, you just might."

"You'll come back stronger than ever. Like Lance Armstrong, but with two balls."

Ari: "A shattered world is what you get when you mess with Ari Gold!"
Lloyd: "Well, if you ask me, Ari Gold should rise up and be the bigger man."
Ari: "Well, unlike your world, where the bigger man pounds the smaller man from behind, the bigger man in my world is the last man standing. And that man will be me, all right?

"When I’m done with you you’ll be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jo-Jo the Dog Faced bitch Boy, call Josh Winefuck. The lightweight pen stealing fuck face."

"The garbage man who wins the lottery does not throw out the ticket!"

Eric: "What? You fired Emily?"
Ari: "I had to, E. To make sure you wouldn’t fuck another one of my assistants. You’re not gonna try to fuck Lloyd are you?"

Lloyd: "How’d it go?"
Ari: "How’d the fucking Bay of Pigs go, Lloyd?"

"Today, and only today, I’m gonna open up my doors like Ellis fucking Island."

(To Lloyd)
"Just go grab your best dress and know that today, your love of cock is a huge asset to the company."

"Dana, I have never cheated on my wife, not since she became my wife, but if you wanna jerk me in the car now, I’m game."

"Tell Drama he’s on the top of my list of things to do today, along with inserting needles in my cock!"

"I didn’t go to the Lakers game because they were playing the fucking Bobcats. And I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate — how to answer a question without a question. Basic Humanity 101, which I thought, given your wall of fucking diplomas, you could easily fix. Or if you couldn’t, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me? I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with, and just so we’re clear, I don’t care about any of them. They’re all just a number, like wife #1 and therapist #7! Good day!"

"When you get married you realize that a wife is like a herpes source. She comes and goes when and where she pleases."

(To Lloyd)
"Listen, have a great time. Wear a life vest, because the only bobbing you should be doing is on Tom’s cock."

Eric: Woow, golf on a wednesday huh Ari? In the next life I wanna come back as you.
Ari: "Wish I could return the compliment E, but I’d rather come back as one of Michael Vic’s dogs."

Turtle: "Is this Benji the dog we’re talking about?"
Ari: "No, it’s Benji Franklin who goes to Arctic, you idiot."

Mrs. Ari: "Where are you going?"
Ari: "They flew in the liver and I gotta do the transplant. Where do you think I’m going?"

"No Indies E! Think of it as the holocaust, never again!"

"You either owe me an apology or a blow job. Your choice."

Ari: "It was a joke baby, you know I’m never bored here. Now give me something."
Mrs. Ari: "What time is it?"
Ari: "I don’t know. My cock doesn’t wear a watch."

Lloyd: "He’s here, he is here, Vince is here!"
Ari: "What are you, speedballing fairy dust? Go out there and greet him like a man."

Ari: "I am away on business."
Lloyd: "What kind of business do you have on a saturday night?"
Ari: "I got none of your fucking business."

Werner: I do not understand why they are here.
Ari: "Because it’s a free country and not Germany circa 1939."

Werner: "Well, this is a film about human beings with layers. It’s not about some swimming superhero." Ari: "Well, I don’t care if it’s a movie about a dancing cucumber."

Ari: "Wow, it’s like finding Jim Morrison alive!"
Eric: "Yeah, I had no cell all day."

"I’m trying to figure out why she did that. I mean, If I was to cheat on my wife it would be with like a busty blonde or an Asian with porny nipples. But an exact fucking replica?"

Ari: "Half the town is out of a job and you can’t find me one available director?"
Lloyd: Kevin Smith isn’t doing anything...
Ari: "Are you looking at the DGA list, or are you staring out the window at the line of the Sprinkles fucking cupcake store?"

"Did you know that your man has broken out of the Oompa-Loompa factory and is up to no good?"

"Call me Helen Keller because I’m a fucking miracle worker!"

Ari: "Have you seen Vince’s trailer?"
Dana: "I have, it’s good." Ari: Oh, please! It’s fucking great. It's gonna be downloaded more times than Britney’s beavershot."

"You’re fired, and in case your ears are fucked, Get. The Fuck. Out! And the next person I see juggling, tap dancing, or baton twirling or doing any other circus-like tricks, will join him, all right? One-strike policy applies. Now get back to work! God damn that felt good."

"It’s like a meeting of the five families. Maybe I should've had a gun taped up in the bathroom stall."

"You know Dana, the only time I enjoyed talking to you was when you’re mouth was full."

Ari: "Speak or I will intern you like it’s 1942."
Lloyd: I’m not Japanese, Ari.
Ari: Speak!

Alan: "So, let me guess, this Ramones project has caused some discomfort between you and your biggest client."
Ari: "Hamroids cause discomfort, Alen. This is more like open heart surgery."

"Ok, first, let me counter by saying fuck you!"

"You know what they feed people on an indie set, Vinne? Nothing! They don’t give you a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever try to bang an extra on an apple box?"

Ari: "So you come to me for advice? I’m gonna fucking cry. All right, here’s what you do: You deal with talent the same way that you deal with women. You have to make them believe that they need you more than you need them."
Eric: "He doesn’t need me that much."
Ari: "Of course he doesn’t need you. You’re fucking worthless. I could get a million morons to come in here and do the job. That’s not the point.
Eric: Then what is the point, Ari?"
Ari: "The point is that he is an insecure fuck, like all beautiful-but-handed-everything-on-a-silver-platter people. He doesn’t trust anyone in this world but you. You’ve been born into royalty, baby. You know it. Now you just gotta be thankful, and wear the crown."

Ari: "Lloyd, I want you to pledge your undying loyalty to me."
Lloyd: "Ari ... "
Ari: Listen, Lloyd. Do you wanna make it, or do you wanna fold shirts at a Chinese laundry? Now pledge!"

Ari: "Well, did they sell the script, you cunt face?" E: Not yet, dick head. Ari: Well than it’s still free you overpaid undersized bitch!

Eric: "What are you gonna do at Villa?"
Ari: "The only thing I can do E, find a nice image to whack off to."

Eric: "Ah, I’m feeling real confident now Ari."
Ari: "Your physical appearance has left you no reason to ever feel confident."

"We're gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we’re gonna head-butt some god damn kangaroos."

"Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, everything! into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner’s mask, and a god damn spike paddle, don’t think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!"

Eric: "Ari, Vince really wants to do Medellin. He already started learning Spanish."
Ari: "I know, he left 15 messages on the machine. My wife thinks I’m fucking the gardener."

Ari: "Why the fuck did you just tell him that I had a more important lunch? You think that’s gonna put a smile on his face?"
Lloyd: "What did you want me to say?"
Ari: "That I have a huge wart on my cock that needs removal would’ve been better! Wake the fuck up, Lloyd!"

Ari: "What the fuck are we doing here, man. I’m on Atkins, I need protein."
Vince’s Girl: "Ah come on, there’s plenty of protein in mong beans."
Ari: "No no, I’m talking about real protein. You know, like men protein, you know, from the flesh of slaughtered animals."
Vince: 'Meat is murder."
Ari: "Even broccoli screams when you rip it from the ground!"

Vince: "We must be moving up!"
Ari: "Like the god damn Jeffersons!"

Ari: "You look great too, E. What’d ya do, Raid the boys department at Macy’s?"

Eric: "I just read an article in the Times. The New York Times, not the shit they got out here."
Ari: "You read the Times huh? You read the New Republic?"
Eric: "Uhh, I’ve heard of it."
Ari: "Well I was reading that, and it’s interesting ’cause what is says is that you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about."

Eric: "Do you ever tell the truth, Ari?"
Ari: "I tell the parts that matter."

Eric: "I’m serious, Vince needs a job!"
Ari: "Sounds like you might too. But I’ll tell you what, Domino’s is hiring. Why don’t you put that little pizza sign on top of your Maserati. Now that's comedy."

Ari: "Joe, what are you doing to me?"
Joe: "I’m not doing anything Ari, I’m just doing good business."
Ari: "That’s weird because it feels like you’re taking a steel catheter and shoving it right up my cock."

"The kid was trying to steel his Power Ranger, he told us all about it. And I teach my son never to let people just take things from him. It’s my Israeli blood."

"I parted the red sea for you E., don’t piss on the sand."

"You’re Tom? Lloyd’s Tom? I don’t get it. You’re a good looking guy, you could get girls."

Ari: "Well, we’re off to see another public school."
Preston: Well, that’s not so bad. You know, I’m a product of the public school system!"
Ari: "Me too! You self rightious, black-balling, little cuntbag, asshole fuckface."

Werner: "This conversation is over."
Ari: "Nothing is over. When I’m done with you it will make the battle of Normandy look like game of fucking paintball."

"Well listen, if you want people to call you back may I suggest that you get a fan, with a large bullhorn on the top, drive around Hollywood announcing that after three years of hibernating in Vincent Chase’s ass, Eric Murphey has come out to play-ay!"

Ari: "I think I can sell it, and I can sell it for a lot."
Eric: "To who?"
Ari: "Harvey. He’s been tracking this thing since day one."
Eric: "He hates us."
Ari: "He’s a businessman, Eric. Not your prom date who still has a grudge on you because you didn’t fuck her right."

Lloyd: "What’s wrong?"
Ari: "Has so much cum squirt in those eyes you can’t see what’s right in front of your face? Amanda Daniels takes that job, Vince is fucked and I’m fucked. Which means we’re all fucked. And we’re fucked in the way you like to get fucked not fucked in the way normal people like to get fucked."

"Now, I now you don’t know man code, so I want you to swear on Tom getting gangrene on his cock, that you will say nothing."

"How about we race for pink slips? I was thinking about getting that car for my daughter, for her sweet sixteen."

Vince: "Wait for what?"
Ari: "For the stenge from Medellin to dissapear."
Vince: "How long is that gonna take?"
Ari: "How long did it take for the air to clean from fucking Chernobyl?"

Ari: "What do you want?"
Dana: I wanna be under you.
Ari: "Dana, I told you my wife is in the car."

"That was a good speech, Lloyd. If I was 25 and liked cock, we could be something."

Lloyd: "You’ll bounce back, Ari Gold!"
Ari: "I drove to work in an $80,000 Mercedes, and I’m going home in a prop car from the Fast and the Furious. I just don’t see it."

"You like the Gaysian Lloyd? He’s cute, right? And he covers two quotas."

Turtle: "They ain’t kicking us out, OK? Vince is a superstar! If it ain’t this, it’s something else!"
Ari: "MC Hammer could have used a guy like you, Turtle, back in the days."

Mrs. Ari: "I ask for one hour of a day for his undevided attention, and I can’t even have that."
Ari: "You could have it if you want to live in Agoura fucking Hills, and go to group therapy. But if you want a Beverly Hills mansion and you want a country club membership, and you want 9 weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, than I’m gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking wednesday."